I’ve been through a few break ups in my day.

Some I’ve initiated, some I haven’t. Some felt like a relief, and some felt physically painful.

I hate to say that there’s no way around the feelings. You just have to feel them until they’re done being felt. But the pain does go away, even the worst kind, eventually.

When you are the recipient of the break up, it’s natural to have questions about why this person is leaving. And then, it’s natural to spiral into those dark thoughts that tell you you weren’t good enough.

That’s not true, though. Sometimes things don’t work out. And that’s okay. This wasn’t your person. You’re allowed to grieve the life you thought you’d have with them. Cry. Eat crappy food. Roll yourself into a blanket burrito and watch whole seasons of shows on Netflix.

But don’t forget to live. Don’t throw yourself head first into the questions of what the other person is doing. I hate to say it like this but…they’re not wondering about you. So why the hell are you wasting your precious time wondering about them?

You want to know the best way to win the break up? The best way to “get revenge”?

GO LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE.

That’s right. Refocus and reinvest in yourself. Go for a walk. Go out with friends. Throw yourself into your favorite hobbies. Try something new. Let the question, “What’s going to make ME happy today?” be your guide, and then explore.

The pain will still be there, sure. But these are the small steps that get you out of the dark, that bring you out of the sadness.

When we talk about winning the break up, we picture ourselves in the arms of a hot new lover, who treats us like gold. We’re skinny and traveling and looking as though we have not a care in the world, while the person who broke our hearts looks on in envy, ruing the day they took us for granted and then left us high and dry.

Really what we’re after when we talk about winning the break up is about recatching that feeling of wholeness within ourselves. It’s not about what the outside looks like, it’s about creating that authentic sense of peace and happiness within. And creating that doesn’t start with picking ourselves apart based on our assumptions about why someone left us. It doesn’t start with trying to see ourselves through someone else’s eyes.

It starts with asking ourselves, “What’s going to bring me peace and happiness today?” Then, going and doing it.

The only person you are hurting by allowing the person who left you to be the focus on your thoughts…is you. You deserve better than that. So, go live your best life.

Until next week, friends.