The other night I was doom scrolling on TikTok when I was called by a hunger pang to go get myself a bowl of cereal.

The guilt I felt over wanting to eat something was immediate.

Why was I hungry? I had eaten a good dinner and even had a post meal sweet treat. It was 11pm! Having grown up in the age of demonizing eating any food after 7pm, I tried really hard to ignore my hunger…but it kept getting worse.

So, I went downstairs and made myself a bowl of multi-grain cheerios with almond milk and strawberries because I was starving, and I wanted it. And you know what I put down? My guilt.

As I sat in bed eating my bowl of cereal and watching Real Housewives of NJ for the millionth time, I thought about a me from a long time ago. 1997 to be exact.

I was 12. It was 11pm, and I was watching Sex and the City. (Don’t ask why I was allowed to watch this show at 12 years old. That’s not the point of this story.)

The point is that I started to get hungry. I tried to ignore my hunger to no avail. I tried drinking water to lessen its grip. But all I kept thinking about were the Cheez Its in the pantry. Salty, tangy, crunchy cheez its. Comforting. Filling.

As Carrie Bradshaw and co with their impossibly toned bodies traipsed around NYC, I fought the Cheez It demons, who kept getting louder. However, for as loud as they got, my guilt matched them volume for volume.

You already ate dinner. It’s after 11pm. You’re already too big. You’re going to gain weight. You’re a failure if you get up and eat those Cheez Its.

Might I remind you: I WAS 12 YEARS OLD, AND THESE WERE THE THOUGHTS I HAD ABOUT FOOD.

But I was just too hungry. The Cheez Its won. I tiptoed off to the kitchen with my guilt trailing behind me like an unwelcome shadow and brought the box from the pantry to my bedroom. I counted out a serving size and ate every last crumb along with the feeling that I was somehow weak for needing to eat.

I thought to myself, I’ll try again tomorrow.

So, on a random Thursday at 11pm, my 39 year old self ate that bowl of cereal for the little girl who was starving.

She deserved to eat without the burden of guilt and fear.

Until next week, friends.